Shadow's Prey

This world I cannot spin upon the tips of my fingers.

Out of my control, the seasons come and go:

Icicle tears of Winter chiseling down my cheeks,

Spring rains weathering away things that I once held dear,

The Summer Sun setting ablaze fragments that remain,

and Fall, so deceiving with it's colors,

enchanting hues of burgundy and gold,

constructed to signify change: a new beginning...

All it really means is death.

I can feel the darkness curling around my ankles,

drowning me down into the oh so familiar abyss.

A fool was I to believe I had lost this darkness,

because you can never run from your shadow.

Wintertime Sadness

I miss the sun. This cold weather has made me feel really depressed. If you're wondering if I actually stayed consistent with the workout journal I posted, I did. I actually was doing really good. A post about it was going to come soon, but then this cold weather came in and all motivation was lost. I stopped working out, and I felt so unaccomplished that I decided to just forget about posting it. I tried to stay motivated, but sitting out there shivering, cold air piercing my lungs and making my nose numb, all while looking around and seeing nothing but grey clouds in the sky...it just really made me feel empty. Grey, everything was so grey...And it makes me feel even worse that everyone around me is so excited for this cold weather. Why? It's so lifeless; so colorless; so depressing. Every time I'm outside it feels as though I'm rushing to get out of the cold. I've learned to appreciate the heat of the warmer seasons, and I miss it oh so much. Spring, please come soon...

I'd like to blame it all on the weather, but I know this feeling goes deeper than that. Apathy is what I feel most days now. I want to disappear. All of my social media sites have been deactivated, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't really see the point in having social media. It's just a stupid platform to make people feel validated and worthy by the amount of likes they receive. And even if my posts would get likes and comments, I still didn't feel fulfilled, because all of them were mostly people who I don't give a damn about and who don't give a damn about me. Which is why I made this blog. I only expected a handful of people, maybe three or four, to actually be interested in keeping up with my life. I gave them the link to my blog, but I know that most likely they don't read it. So here's to this post that will go unread by any other eyes but mine. And I know, I know, I sound like such a sob-story, but I really just needed a place to let my thoughts out.

I don't want to feel this way, and I feel as though there's nothing I can do to stop it. I realized that I was trying hard to find a distraction, because I kept going on and on about "finding a hobby", which is where the idea of working out and wanting to get back into photography came from. But this cold weather has taken the joy of working out away from me. Getting into a hobby definitely won't hurt, so I may be getting a new camera on Black Friday, and we'll see how getting my passion back for photography goes. I hate to admit it, but part of me wishes I could go see a doctor to talk about medication. I used to think, "No! You shouldn't have to rely on medication to feel 'normal'.", but I've changed my mind about that. The way I used to think made it seem as though I thought people who took medication for their mental illnesses weren't 'trying' to find a natural way to help themselves, but now I see that it really isn't their fault. In fact, going to the doctor to get help IS trying. The problem is that there is no way I could afford such help. And that makes me feel trapped.

But I guess at least I still want to try. The moment I give up is when I should really be worried. For now, I'll just try to pull through this. I know that even if the night seems long, the sun will always be there in the morning.

Going Back To My Roots

When I was little I grew up on country music. That's what I would hear in every car ride; that's what I would hear jamming in our tiny living room; that's what I would hear all around me. I can still remember the times I would jam Dixie Chicks in the front yard and dance my heart out. I can still remember the time I put a sad Shania Twain song on while solemnly looking out the living room window when my first grade crush moved away to Florida. It was around middle school that my view on country music started to change. My 6th grade math teacher would allow us to take turns choosing songs to listen to while we were working. To follow everyone else, I would choose the mainstream music of the time such as Akon's 'Lonely' or Gwen Stefani's 'Dirty Escape'. I couldn't tell you the amount of times I heard "Anything but country music" continuously as I grew older. If someone was asked what kind of music they listen to, I would hear the same reply: "I listen to pretty much everything. Except country." Why is country music seen in such a negative light? Why is it considered an embarrassing thing to like country music?

 I can't tell you that I'm exactly innocent from that judgement either. My view on country music changed so drastically that I would look at people as if they were crazy when they told me that they loved country music. My mind would put the automatic "red-neck" impression on that person after becoming aware of the fact that they liked country music. It wasn't until recently that my societal altered view on country music was at last put to rest. A few months ago I was in a car ride with my family, and my sister decided to put on Brad Paisley's 'Letter to Me'. Listening to this beautiful song made me remember all the things that made me love country music when I was younger. Country music has some of the most beautiful lyrics. Country music has some of the most uplifting songs. That 'twang' that I used to find annoying, I now love all over again. I'm going back to my roots. And for some reason it feels as though I've found a part of myself that I didn't even know I had lost.

I'm going to end this post with a few country songs that I just can't get enough of. Try giving them a listen and maybe you'll see why I love this genre all over again. They are all so different but all so great!