Shadow's Prey

Sunday, November 30, 2014

This world I cannot spin upon the tips of my fingers.
Out of my control, the seasons come and go:
Icicle tears of Winter chiseling down my cheeks,
Spring rains weathering away things that I once held dear,
The Summer Sun setting ablaze fragments that remain,
and Fall, so deceiving with it's colors,
enchanting hues of burgundy and gold,
constructed to signify change: a new beginning...
All it really means is death.

I can feel the darkness curling around my ankles,
drowning me down into the oh so familiar abyss.
A fool was I to believe I had lost this darkness,
because you can never run from your shadow.

Wintertime Sadness

Friday, November 21, 2014

I miss the sun. This cold weather has made me feel really depressed. If you're wondering if I actually stayed consistent with the workout journal I posted, I did. I actually was doing really good. A post about it was going to come soon, but then this cold weather came in and all motivation was lost. I stopped working out, and I felt so unaccomplished that I decided to just forget about posting it. I tried to stay motivated, but sitting out there shivering, cold air piercing my lungs and making my nose numb, all while looking around and seeing nothing but grey clouds in the just really made me feel empty. Grey, everything was so grey...And it makes me feel even worse that everyone around me is so excited for this cold weather. Why? It's so lifeless; so colorless; so depressing. Every time I'm outside it feels as though I'm rushing to get out of the cold. I've learned to appreciate the heat of the warmer seasons, and I miss it oh so much. Spring, please come soon...

I'd like to blame it all on the weather, but I know this feeling goes deeper than that. Apathy is what I feel most days now. I want to disappear. All of my social media sites have been deactivated, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I don't really see the point in having social media. It's just a stupid platform to make people feel validated and worthy by the amount of likes they receive. And even if my posts would get likes and comments, I still didn't feel fulfilled, because all of them were mostly people who I don't give a damn about and who don't give a damn about me. Which is why I made this blog. I only expected a handful of people, maybe three or four, to actually be interested in keeping up with my life. I gave them the link to my blog, but I know that most likely they don't read it. So here's to this post that will go unread by any other eyes but mine. And I know, I know, I sound like such a sob-story, but I really just needed a place to let my thoughts out.

I don't want to feel this way, and I feel as though there's nothing I can do to stop it. I realized that I was trying hard to find a distraction, because I kept going on and on about "finding a hobby", which is where the idea of working out and wanting to get back into photography came from. But this cold weather has taken the joy of working out away from me. Getting into a hobby definitely won't hurt, so I may be getting a new camera on Black Friday, and we'll see how getting my passion back for photography goes. I hate to admit it, but part of me wishes I could go see a doctor to talk about medication. I used to think, "No! You shouldn't have to rely on medication to feel 'normal'.", but I've changed my mind about that. The way I used to think made it seem as though I thought people who took medication for their mental illnesses weren't 'trying' to find a natural way to help themselves, but now I see that it really isn't their fault. In fact, going to the doctor to get help IS trying. The problem is that there is no way I could afford such help. And that makes me feel trapped.

But I guess at least I still want to try. The moment I give up is when I should really be worried. For now, I'll just try to pull through this. I know that even if the night seems long, the sun will always be there in the morning.